Saving for a Mockingbird

2005-10-06T22:23:00.000-05:00

Well, headed to a lawyer tomorrow. No one knows...no one important anyways. I have a custody hearing in a week, and I've decided I'm going for everything. No visitation, child support, the works. My laywer thinks with all the things that Mom has done it should be fairly straight forward. Cross your fingers for me.

Stripper and me aren't getting a long so well...not really fighting, but not really all over each other either...I'll keep you posted on that.

Well, that's all for now. Remember, if you figure out who I am...please keep it quiet.

-Dad

2005-09-26T20:28:00.000-05:00

Welp, it's been about two weeks and a lot has changed. I have introduced Stripper to Princess. It's actually gone very well. I was very hesitant at first because the last thing I want is another female leaving Princess's life, but things are going very good between me and Stripper. Also, before you think I'm a complete prick, I told Mom that things aren't going to work out with us. I didn't mention someone else; I'm sure Princess will do that for me. And frankly, it's none of her business. Stripper does Princess right, and that's all that matters.

Sorry for the short update, but I have to call Princess's grandma...that's a whole other set of bullshit...

2005-09-11T13:31:00.000-05:00

Wow...sorry for the hiatus. My dad came and visited, and I didn't have the opportunity to post. But, here's what happend.

Princess clung to my dad. From the minute he got here, to the time he left she was attached at the hip. Which was cool. We had a really good visit.

Well, I've also started dating. I'm not going to tell Princess's mom. I am going to court in October for Full Custody, and I don't want her to have any objections, because believe it or not, she does have a say. I couldn't believe that. If I wouldn't have shown up to the court appearance, I would have gone to jail. Mom doesn't show up and they reschedule it. Doesn't make sense to me, but I can't change it.

I'm dating Stripper...yeah, it finally worked out. Don't really want to talk to much about it, but she's cool as hell, and I think when she finally meets Lilly, she'll be good.

Well that's it. Take care. My next update won't be long away.

2005-08-31T22:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm doing better today. Well, this whole week. Me and Princess have been spending a lot of time together, and that's helping. My car is falling apart and I'm worrying about how I'm going to get that taken care of, but it's going to be alright I guess. Mom is still gone. That's nothing new.

My dad is coming to visit me this weekend. It'll be the first time I've seen him in over a year.

Princess is doing better. For a while I thought she might be getting depressed, and it's tough to watch your beautiful baby slipping away and not knowing what to do. She's been better lately though. I'm doing my best to take care of her, but I'm still struggling.

I'm getting a bonus soon from work. After paying bills, I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo. It'll go down my arm. It has Princess's name in Japanese written in it, so if you can read Japanese, you know her name now...haha. But please don't post it if you recognize it.

Well, that's it for now. Take it easy.
-Dad

2005-08-27T04:03:00.000-05:00

I'm glad I exorcised my self-esteem or else I'd be feeling really crappy right now. Good night.

2005-08-26T01:39:00.000-05:00

I have decided that self esteem is a character trait that I do not need. I understand that Princess is the most important, and not me, and having self esteem in my life would only impede my ability to raise her. Sure, I feel good about myself, but I have decided to cut out the part of me that is trying to raise myself up and point that at Princess. So far it is working out great.

Princess is having a hard time dealing with her mom being gone this time. She's very clingy, and I'm not used to it. I had the 'traditional' father role before this started. I worked fulltime, gone all day. I was gone before she woke up, but came home in the evening. Maybe spent a few hours of time with her on weeknights, but on weekends that was our time to have fun. Very little discipline was left to me. No emotional suppport was needed from me. Now it is. That's were the killing my self esteem came from. As long as I don't think about myself, I think that Princess will be better to cope. Am I wrong? We'll see...

In my life, things have gotten a little better. I still miss Mom, but it's easier. Sure I want to marry her when she gets out, but that's looking farther and farther away. I have actually met two girls in the last week, and Stripper started showing some more interest again. Tomorrow is the test for her. If she comes and hangs out with us tomorrow night like she promised yesterday, she's my choice. I will probably have her for comfort while Mom is in jail. Then we'll see how far it goes. I'll report in on Sunday.

-Dad

2005-08-21T23:39:00.000-05:00

Such is the life
Of a single father
He says daddy explain
If its not too much bother
While its just you and me
Living here in this home
I dont understand it
And neither does he
Why theres just two
When there should be three of us
Sharing this moment
Lord i feel so alone

I heard this for the first time tonight. It's actually a Kid Rock song. Hit me kind of hard, because Princess started asking some tough questions earlier, and I wasn't sure how to handle them.

Will post more tomorrow. Not really in the mood.

2005-08-17T20:03:00.000-05:00

Not too much is new today. Talked to Mom for the first time since she's turned herself in. She's not doing to well...but hey, you reap what you sow. She actually made me mad, but I didn't tell her...and to understand why, you need to know a little of what she is charged with. Basically, she had a really bad drug habit, and she had to steal to pay for it. Now, she's done some things to redeem herself, but she's still in a lot of hot water. But basically, she told me tonight they may offer her a sentence that requires 4 NA meetings a week, testing every week, and calling in everyday. But she would be out of jail...but she didn't like it because they would be taking over her life! She didn't even consider the fact that my life has had to drastically change! I told her to take it if they offered...she didn't sound to convincing that she would do it...oh well.

Well, I will report in tomorrow, I have to take money up to her...another way I have to change my life to help her...

-Dad

2005-08-15T20:00:00.000-05:00

Well, Mom had to turn herself in again today. This is the final county. There will be some jail time behind this one. So far she's been lucky. Me and Princess spent all week with her. Topped it off by going to the State Fair on Saturday night. Ended up being funner than I had thought. After a day or two of getting used to her being back I didn't want her to leave again, even though I knew she'd have to. Killed Princess almost. She kept crying today saying "I don't want Mommy to have to go to Big People Time Out!!" (our way of saying jail to make it less hurtful to Princess). Hearing Princess cry like that made me so mad at Mom. Just wondering how the hell she could've done what she did, and know Princess is the one that has to deal with the consequences.

Princess is at Grandma's tonight. She asked if she could stay, and I told her yeah. It's ok though, I felt like being alone anyways. I'm still not sure how to deal with this. Me and Mom got in a huge fight last night at around 2 a.m. I said some pretty mean things to her, but most of them were true. We made up though, and I'm glad. I didn't want her to have to go with me being mad.

Well, there's enough for this update. Stay tuned...

2005-08-10T21:46:00.000-05:00

Ok, well Princess's Mom got out last night...at 2 a.m. But that will be a rant for another post. She isn't here now, she went to see her father, which is another post as well. If you can't catch that, we don't get a long, at all...

But back to the story of the day. I was with Stripper last night for a while...not good either. I don't really want to talk about it, but needless to say, I don't think I'll be talking to her again for a long time. Mom isn't out for long, she'll have to go back, but she's here now and it's wierd. She's been gone for 2 weeks and it's just been me and Princess. Now I have to share the limelite, and I don't like it one bit. I know it's selfish, but still, I work my ass off for Princess, and all Mom has to do is show up. Drives me crazy.

-Dad

2005-08-10T12:23:00.000-05:00

Mom is out. Caught me by suprise. Will update when possible. She's going back, but not sure when.

2005-08-09T20:20:00.000-05:00

Well, Princess went off to Grandma's. She cried a lot when I dropped her off. It broke my heart. Made me wish I could win the lottery just to stay home with her all the time so I wouldn't have to leave her with someone else. Just going to make when I see her that much better I guess....

2005-08-08T23:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know this is sorta soon, but I made this blog to vent right?

Ok, well, first things first. I will not say any names. Try and keep up, alright? I'm Dad, daughter is Princess, and whoever else that comes in will have the names according to who they are to me.

Well, I didn't have Princess last week for a few days because she stayed at Grandma's house. Ever since Princess's mom has been gone, it's been rough on me, and I've met someone. She just HAPPENS to be a stripper, not a whore-y one, but a really nice girl that happens to work topless...haha. I didn't meet her there, so no, I'm not being swindled...FYI. I have gone and seen her at work, and that is what this post is about.

I feel bad, because I love Princess's mom. I want to marry her, but I can't right now. I can't even talk to her on the phone without paying $5.00 a call. So, of course, I'm getting lonely. So me and my buddies go up to Stripper's work. It just so happens that two of my buddies are dating some of her co-workers (We are a high class bunch). I sit with her, don't spend any money, other than on beer and the occasional dollar dance (probably had 4 or 5). I know that this may not be the best thing for Princess, but is Dad going crazy for a few years resenting Mom for what she's done better? My feelings will never change for Mom, but this girl is incredible. If she wasn't a stripper, she'd be perfect. There is nothing wrong with stripping (hell, I went to the club...how could I have some moral opposition to it?), but I know how people react. She likes what she does though, so that's a plus. I'm not looking for a new mom for Princess, but jeez, how much easier would that make it?

The reason I even post this on here, is because it directly relates to Princess. No, she hasn't met her, and no she won't for a long time if she even does. Princess is going to back to Grandma's for a few days tomorrow, and I will probably see Stripper. Yes, Stripper does know about Mom...maybe I wasn't honest about how I still felt about Mom, but seriously, if you had a beautiful girl in front of you with absolutly no way to get caught (or if you did, to be punished) what would you do? I always thought I'd do the exact opposite of what I did. I do love Mom, but jeez...it's going to be a long time, and although Princess means everything to me, but I've gotta take care of not just her, but me as well. Well, I'll post a report tomorrow night, if I haven't been drinking a little.

Comment away, if anyone reads this on what their advice would be.

2005-08-08T19:28:00.000-05:00

Well, here is my outlet. Let me tell you a little about who I am, and why the mockingbird is special to me.

I am a 21 year old father of a beautiful little girl. I love her more than life itself and would do anything for her as I'm sure any father can understand. She is my life, the reason I am even here today. I have done everything I can for her. She has a roof over her head, food in the kitchen, toys to play with, and cartoons to watch on TV. Overall she has a great life, much better than mine, however...

Her mother is in jail. This is a recent change, and it looks like she will be gone for a while. But this blog isn't about her. This is me and my daughter's story, about how a young father is going to fight through everything to make his little girl the happiest she can possibly be. "Mockingbird" is my anthem, and I sing her both the Eminem version and the old version, telling her I will do whatever I can to be there for her, and do everything to just make her smile.

Up until about a month ago I was in my daughter's life, but I wasn't there everyday. Sure, I gave money to her mother, and sure I loved her mother and we wanted the best, but her mother had a secret that kept us from getting close, and that in turn affected my relationship with my daughter. Yeah, it's my fault, I should've been closer, but now I am all she has. This is our story, about Daddy making his daughter as happy as possible without Mommy being around, about juggling work and fatherhood, about when I need to get away, about every little detail. I hope if anything, this blog will show one young guy how important you should be in your baby's life, because once they have your heart, it will break it if you ever let them out of your life.

The mockingbird reperesents everything I am going to do for my daughter. How I'm not going to ever stop trying to make her happy...

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass,Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke,Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat won't pull,Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull fall down,You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town

Don't think I'm going to buy my daughter off...I don't have the money...Haha. But I am going to keep doing everything I can because nothing in this world can possibly show her how much I love her and care about her. This is going to be our story.

-Dad